Monday, September 20, 2010


The game camera mounted on a tree in the woods of Mountville, Georgia finally caught a picture of the elusive paternal figure interacting with his offspring.  The Sinottus Christopherus Pygmaeus is one of the most difficult animals to capture and is quite enigmatic and surreptitious in his behavior patterns, mainly in order to dodge still photography being taken of him.  
Although the camera says 4:06 AM, this was obviously taken midday.
He has been known to make time stop simply by looking at it.
Native to Rhode Island, the Sinottus Christopherus Pygmaeus was first discovered in California during the late 1970’s. He is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. He doesn’t perspire. He is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail. Last summer he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. His batting average is over .400. His quarterback passing rating is 158. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. 

Children trust him, especially twins.  He can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and he cooks Thirty-Minute Meals in twenty minutes. On Wednesdays, he repairs electrical appliances free of charge. He is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. 

He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed covert operations for the CIA.

He has been known to remodel train stations on his lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and he writes award-winning operas. Occasionally, he treads water for three days in a row. He woos women with his sensuous and godlike harmonica playing.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water he once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, and he was scouted by both the Braves and Cowboys. He is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he’s bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang gliding.

He sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, it’s in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to him. A full tank of gasoline costs him one dollar. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. He breeds prize winning clams. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played Hamlet, performed open heart surgery, and he has spoken with Elvis.

His charm is so contagious vaccines have been created for it. Years ago, he built a city out of Lego blocks. Today, over six hundred thousand people live and work there. He is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test. Every time he goes for a swim dolphins appear. Alien abductors have asked him to probe them. If he were to give you directions, you'd never get lost and you'd arrive at least five minutes early. His legend precedes him the way lightning precedes thunder.

Even his parrot's advice is insightful. If there were an interesting gland, his would be larger than most men's entire lower intestines. His shirts never wrinkle. He is ambidextrous. You can see his charisma from outer space. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body. His blood smells like cologne. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. In every known galaxy, there is a planet named for him. 

He doesn’t don't believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him. His pillow talk is years ahead of its time. He taught a horse to read his e-mail for him. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.

He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt. His organ card even lists his beard. He’s been known to cure narcolepsy by just walking into a room. He’s so magnetic, he can't carry credit cards. His reputation is expanding faster than the universe. He lives vicariously through himself. He says nothing tastes like chicken...not even chicken. He once lowered the sea level by throwing sponges into the ocean.

He can burp-speak in multiple languages. He has worked as a construction worker, commercial fisherman, newspaper writer and attorney all in the same day. He once let three men punch him in the face to see if he could feel pain. He’s won three consecutive disco dance contests.

The police often question him, just because they find him interesting. When he orders a salad, he gets the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs.   If a monument was built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance.  People hang onto his every word, even the prepositions. He could disarm you with his looks, or his hands, either way. He can speak French in Russian. It is said the sun comes up later on the 6th of May, in case his Cinco parties run long. The Mayans prophesied his birth. Even lucha libres remove their masks in his presence. He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

He once buried a time capsule full of things that haven't happened yet.  He has been pronounced dead 7 times...make that 8. His bear hugs are actually hugs he give to bears. He can't be bought, but his beard clippings have been known to show up at auction. He has never lost a sock. If he disagrees with you, it is because you are wrong. He was once 100% certain about being uncertain.

Most songs about love are written for him, about him, or by him. He’d never initiate a conversation about the weather, even in a typhoon. He’s against cruelty to animals, but he’s not afraid to issue a stern warning. Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side. If he crossed them, he would still be the right side. He won the same lifetime achievement award twice. When he goes to a restaurant waiters tip him.

His toe-nail clipping are considered legal tender in some third world countries. He was going to become a god, but felt it was a lateral move. When he was born, the doctors thought that he was such a beautiful baby that they smoked Cuban cigars with him in the delivery room to congratulate him on a job well done.

He voted for Obama, just to see the chaos. When he wakes up the roses smell him. He sleeps with a night light, not because he’s afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of him. He holds a Doctorate in Originality-  which he teaches at Stanford where no one ever passes. When he goes skydiving, Peregrine Falcons always trail behind him. When he looks in the mirror there's never a reflection, not because of vampirism, but because he’s only one of a kind. He can defeat anyone in a game of chess without making any moves. A leader of a country once took a bullet for him on a failed assassination attempt.

He has written proof that the Bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram. He once put himself up as collateral. He is so respected, even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number. He once licked a poisonous frog just to see what would happen. He once snapped his wife's bra strap just to see what it felt like to get slapped in the face. He has stopped chickens from crossing the road and he knows which came first. He saves seals from drowning. He knows who killed JFK. He won the arms race. He can see the Northern Lights from South America.  He counsels the Dalai Lama on matters of spirituality. The Pope once requested an audience with him.

He invented string theory from discarded dental floss. He holds the world record for holding the most world records. He knows exactly how many blondes it takes to change a light bulb. If your GPS is slow, it's because it's waiting for his response. He watched as Neil Armstrong landed on the moon... from the moon. He can play Mozart and Beethoven on the piano at the same time. He is smarter than a fifth grader. 

We’ll miss you, Dadda. Have a good trip!